words from another mother / the feeding wars

This post was written by my friend and super mom, Emma Giffen. It is the first in the "words from another mother" series. I'm so grateful for her honesty and point of view. If you would like to be a part of this series, please email me at momfirsthumansecond@gmail.com. Help me grow our village one story, one mother at a time.

It begins immediately. As soon as anyone knows you're growing another human in your body, the advice starts coming. You don't ask for it, and it's not really advice (I personally would call it "finite opinions")... but nonetheless, you get it, like it or not, from almost everyone you meet. It could be about a myriad of things, and spans from a belly bump to small children: the delivery itself (vaginal vs C vs meds vs not), exercising when pregnant, how to sleep with your baby, to swaddle or not to swaddle, bed times, age of TV introduction, discipline, to cry it out or not to cry it out, when to potty train, pacifier allowance or not and when to cut it off, to work outside the home or be a stay-at-home parent... you get my drift. Endless. In a perfect world, we as women do what feels right for us and our babies; after all, we're the ones that brought them into this world. Beyond initial self-doubt, we should have confidence that "we got this." And yet, it doesn't seem to work that way, and instead of the village and sisterhood other women and society as a whole should provide, we get harsh judgement and animosity on so many levels.

Let's be real - parenthood is HARD. Especially for the mom. I'm not in this field for martyrdom, that's for damn sure. I freely admit that, no matter how much i adore my kids, I miss my life before ("B.C.", as the hubs and I like to call it). How can you not?? Being "on" 24/7 is rough work! Sometimes I feel like, as my dear friend and fellow mom once said, I need a full body transplant. Women face enough in their multi-tasking lives, but nothing so all-encompassing as motherhood. And one issue in general seems to really get a reaction: breastfeeding.

Let's go back before we go forward - my experience was that of an unexpectedly fast pregnancy with my beloved hubby who had been my partner for a decade. I decided pretty early on that one thing i wouldn't be doing was breastfeeding. I wanted to have control back over my body postpartum as soon as humanly possible, and not to sacrifice anymore than I was already giving in the pregnancy phase; I also wanted to share nighttime feedings with my husband, and have more general freedom throughout the first year than it seemed breastfeeding could afford. To be clear, I think breastfeeding is a BEAUTIFUL gift a woman can give her children; however, there are a lot of gifts we give our kids, and in my humble opinion, if you're loving, feeding and sheltering your child, you win. Period, end of story. But, unfortunately, this is not the end of story for some people. My decision brought to light a very dark view of what I thought was a feminist, forward-looking society that we live in.

I saw it in the news. On TV, in the newspaper, and in magazines, particularly the controversial TIME "Are you Mom Enough?" cover with a woman breastfeeding her 3-year-old child. I was so confused - I didn't judge this woman on the cover giving her older child her breast for comfort, and yet I was going to be judged for deciding what to do with MY body? This article was supposed to be on attachment parenting (in which breastfeeding is a key factor), however, it caused a media storm solely about the issue of breastfeeding itself. Why would the media add fuel to the already embarrassing female dilemma in this country people like to call "The Mommy Wars"? There was no real war, but clearly some wanted there to be, to pit women against each other as had been done throughout time. In the same vain, there was the magazine article which featured a spread of the model Giselle with a baby attached to her airbrushed, tastefully covered breast, while getting her hair and make-up done (including a quote saying women who didn't breastfeed should be punished by the law). Super realistic, right? And very relevant in a society where the focus could be on the environment, education, or, I don't know, maybe ending childhood hunger?

Regardless, I stood firm in my decision. I thankfully experienced no issues from any doctors, nurses, family or close friends. I had a precious, healthy little girl who is now 3 1/2 and thriving, the youngest in her class and seemingly very smart and adjusted (as adjusted as you can be as a tyrannical toddler, that is). I felt bonded to her from the beginning, and don't feel I love her any less than breastfeeding moms love their little ones, or that the adoration I get in return is lacking. I loved the freedom of being physically separate from the sacrificial pregnancy aspect, and was beyond grateful to get sleep relatively quickly as my husband and I switched night shifts. The type A part of me also enjoyed knowing how many ounces per day the little one was consuming, not to mention I was happy to have the dietary restrictions of pregnancy suddenly gone. In a new life of chaos, this choice was my solace. It was right for our family - for me, my body, my children and my husband - and I never ever apologized. When asked about it for whatever reason, I'd say "No, it's ok, I'm not breastfeeding" or "I actually didn't breastfeed" and when the response undoubtedly would be "Oh, you weren't able to?", I would simply say "Nope, I never tried or wanted to, we decided to formula feed." Most people moved on, some questioned it. I was happy to discuss it, though once again was taken off guard by the need to discuss my body and what I chose to do with it. But by that point, I was so exposed to the world (or at least felt that way) because of motherhood in general, I didn't mind a bit. And this choice worked so well for me that I did it without question for my second daughter (who also is lovely and bright and seems to be doing just fine in her development), and will do it for any other babies who may come in the future.

The craziest thing is that I've had a quite a few women come to me in emails, Facebook messages or hushed tones asking how I made my decision, and how they could do the same. Some of these moms had a horrible time trying with the first baby; some were going back to work early and didn't have access to pumping; one because she had a history with sexual assault and didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding; another was just like me, and wanted to make her own choice. The list goes on and on. To be clear, these women weren't asking me the logistics of formula feeding or how to do it - they wanted reassurance that it was ok. That made me sad, though I was happy to provide it to them. I even read an article in The New York Times about a woman who'd battled breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, yet was pressured to breastfeed at the hospital and finally had to tell the nurses why she was choosing not to, a subject she initially preferred not to share. How nuts is that? I wouldn't judge the woman on the TIME cover feeding her 3-year-old from her breast, and expect that same non-judgement from other moms. It's bizarre that it's even an issue.

In the end, we as women have enough to worry about - we take care of everyone around us (most of the time to the detriment of our own personal welfare), and are in a constant state of worry over being the best mothers possible. It is 2016! What we choose to do with our bodies is OUR OWN CHOICE! I see that theme everywhere lately - the media, the election, etc. - and I stand proudly by every choice I've made regarding myself and my kids up to this point. Life is too short to tear each other down in a fake war that no one wants to be a part of... let's focus on being positive for each other, and more importantly for our children's sakes. After all, kids go on many more years without breast milk or formula in the grand scheme of their lives. In the beginning years, instead of where the milk is coming from, I chose to (in between the exhaustion and diaper blowouts) try and focus on the snuggles and tiny feet and smiles and sweet-smelling baby skin. Our goal as moms and parents should be to raise smart, loving, functioning, human beings - it's our gift for posterity. From where I stand, the war is over - and ALL moms are "mom enough".