push it - push it real good

Why didn't I think to have Salt-N-Pepa on my labor playlist!?! Ah, regrets. Actually, no. I had zero humor left when it came time to push, and I'm sure I would have been angry had this gem been playing.  

Pushing is very misrepresented (like everything dealing with labor) in our world. The mother works so hard to fully dilate and then the baby is supposed to make its grand entrance after one or two hearty pushes. Now don't get me wrong, there are some women who basically sneeze their babes out, and I'm very happy for them. They are not the norm, however. 

Pushing, also known as the third stage of labor, can take anywhere from one to two hours or more for first time moms. If you give birth in a hospital, the doctors start to get pretty antsy at the two hour mark. I did witness a hospital birth where the doctor gave the mother three hours to push.  Every person and every baby are very different, so the time can vary greatly. 

My daughter decided she was going to Vogue her way down the birth canal, so I was blessed with pushing for five hours and thirty minutes. Yes you read that right. She wanted to have both her hands on her cheeks with her elbows out. She was in absolutely no hurry to join the outside world and would probably crawl back into the womb if she could.

Not only was it a long third stage, it was very hard work. I was on my hands and knees with my chest over a yoga ball. I would squeeze my husband's hands with every push basically cutting off the circulation to his thumbs. Somewhere around hour five of pushing, he told me he was going to have nerve damage and offered me a rolled up dish towel instead. As you can imagine, this did not go over well. Never offer your wife a dish towel at hour 29 of her labor. I do believe my response was, "Take one for the fucking team Sebastien!" Sorry honey. I love you.

Another little perk of pushing harder than you've ever pushed in your life, is that you get to poop in front of your husband and every other person in the room. Over and over again. As I'm writing this, I realize that I need to send my midwife's assistant a bottle of wine and flowers. She was bestowed with the task of keeping things "tidy". I know this sounds horrific, but trust me, you will not care. My doula even hypothesized that pooping a little each time you push might keep you from getting hemorrhoids. Worked for me. How about you?

The last little nugget I want to address today is the ring of fire. This is the burning sensation that comes when your baby's head is crowning and you think your vagina is literally on fire. For some women, this is the worst part of the entire labor. For me, it was my favorite moment. You see until that point I thought I was going to be in labor for the rest of eternity. Time is very strange when you are in labor. It's hard to tell the difference between one minute and one hour. When I finally felt the heat I embraced it like a long lost friend. It only took a few more pushes, and like the simple flip of a switch, all the pain in the world was gone.

How about you? How long did you push? What position were you in? Most importantly, did you poop?